Finding the Light
by Deep-Compassion22
Summary: Jakie had always thought there was something wrong with her, but she didn't realize her sadness might be bigger than she thought it had been. Jakie had many memories that from her childhood that would still haunt her. When her 8th grade year began, Jakie


When I was little, I had always felt this emptiness in the pit of my stomach. I knew it wasn't hunger because anyone can tell the difference between being hungry and feeling like a hollow tree (That totally wasn't the best way to describe it!). It was like an imaginary hole in my stomach that could never be filled. It wasburden that I had to carry. A sadness that would never leave. I never told my parents about this feeling. When I was younger, I was a very quiet and shy girl. I really didn't start speaking up until I was about 11 years old. I didn't have as many friends as I do now. I was always afraid that the things I said would make them hate me or they would just laugh at me. I was also picked on because I was an "easy target". I was often called fat and ugly. I wouldn't stand up for myself out of fear that the bully would hurt be physically.

I've learned in these past five years that you really don't know who your friends are until you know who your friends are (alright maybe that doesn't really make sense). I think you can get something out of that. What I mean is, you really don't know who your friends are until you know their personalities and qualities. Like if one of your so called "friends" makes fun or laugh at you because of something that you enjoy… They are S-H-A-L-L-O-W and aren't really worth your time.

I once had this friend, Gracie, who I thought was my friend; my best friend actually. At first she was really nice to me. I had never been over her house and she had never been over mine. She would ask me often if she could come over my house, but I never really liked people coming over, I told her. Then she got really mad at me and said that since she is my best friend, she has the right to come and see my house. I kept telling her no. She started bullying me. Once we were playing on the monkey bars andshe called me fat, ugly, and pimple face. She also scraped me with a rock because I wouldn't buy her an ice cream. Stupid, eh? So I told a teacher(well actually one of my friends did) and everything was sorted out. A few years passed of not talking to each other. Sometimes she would look at me funny and I'd look at her funny back, but she didn't technically "bully" me. Once she was standing in the rain waiting for the bus and my mom and I actually drove her to school. I really think it's a waste of energy to hold a grudge.

You see, I am a people pleaser. I _have_ to please everyone just to make them happy even if I'm not happy doing it. If my mom bought me a skirt that I don't like, I will pretend to like it and wear it anyway (just to make her happy). Or if my friend is a Dance-A-holic and dances 3 hours a day, 5 days a week(I may be exaggerating) and wants me to dance with her, I will, just to make her happy even though it exhausts me and my feet are killing me. I would promise myself that I would never tell my family or really anybody that I was feeling shitty because I used to think they would judge me, just not believe me, or think I'm lying. I also didn't want to be a burden, make them unhappy, or take up their time(which is pretty much what a burden is). I've been like this since I could remember. My mom thinks I am a very experienced actress because she would have never guessed that I was depressed.

I suffer from clinical depression. It is when you have had it since birth, but it could take years to actually kick in. This year, my 8th grade year, was when it finally kicked in. Clinical Depression is when certain chemicals in your body are unbalanced and it causes you to feel depressed or hopeless, worthless, and helpless. Thankfully there is therapy and medications that can help balance those pesky chemicals. In my opinion, it's good that we have medications and highly trained physiatrists and psychologists to help people with dealing with their problems, but I also think it's unfair that just to be happy, you have to take meds and go to therapy. It just is so unfair.

To anyone who suffers from depression, whatever kind of depression it is, I understand how much it hurts (emotionally and physically). I understand what it feels like to think that you are hopeless, helpless, and worthless. I know what it feels like to feel unloved and unwanted. I know what it feels like to cut. And I even know how it feels to want to leave this earth because of the pain that you are going through. I hope that you learn that it's okay to be afraid to take chances, but you should at least try because the outcome could be worthwhile. You also shouldn't hide away like me. Let your feeling pour out or tell someone because telling someone is the best thing that you can do to help yourself even though you may not think so at the time.

Believe me!

I know!

And to anyone who hasn't suffered from depression, I hope that you will learn from this book. I really think that more people should understand the meaning of depression and what it feels like. Many people have judged me and thought I was doing it for attention. It can be anybody. A member of your family, a best friend, a family friend...anybody. Being judged actually made me more depressed then I was, but I'll get into that later.


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